Why Agency ≠ Disrespect
A child showing agency is not being disrespectful—though it can sometimes be misinterpreted that way, especially in environments where obedience is prioritized over autonomy.
A sense of agency means a child feels empowered to make choices, express their thoughts, and take action in their own life. This is a crucial part of their development, helping them grow into confident, independent, and critical-thinking individuals.
Why Agency ≠ Disrespect
Intent Matters – A child showing agency is not trying to be rude or defiant; they are asserting themselves and engaging with the world.
Communication Style Matters – Assertiveness is not the same as disrespect. A child can question, challenge, or express disagreement without being rude.
Perspective Matters – Adults sometimes perceive agency as "talking back" because it challenges authority, but in reality, it's a sign of growth and confidence.
Examples of Agency That Aren't Disrespectful
Asking why a rule exists instead of blindly following it.
Negotiating a bedtime or homework schedule rather than simply accepting the one given.
Expressing a different opinion in a conversation with adults.
Choosing their own clothes, books, or hobbies based on personal interests rather than what’s expected.
The Real Issue: How Adults React
Often, whether a child’s agency is labeled as independence or disrespect depends on the adult’s perspective. When children are raised in environments that welcome curiosity and discussion, their agency is encouraged. However, in settings where obedience is valued over dialogue, the same behavior might be labeled as “talking back” or “challenging authority.”
Encouraging Agency While Maintaining Respect
Acknowledge Their Voice: Show them their opinions matter.
Teach Assertiveness, Not Aggression: Model how to express disagreement calmly and constructively.
Set Clear Boundaries: Respecting a child’s agency doesn’t mean letting them run the show—guidance is key.
1. A Sense of Agency
A child displaying a sense of agency is expressing independence, autonomy, and the ability to make decisions or advocate for themselves in a respectful and constructive way. This is a positive behavior that reflects self-confidence and critical thinking.
Key Characteristics:
Intent: The child is seeking to contribute, solve a problem, or express their needs or preferences.
Delivery: The behavior is assertive but not aggressive. The child communicates respectfully, even if they disagree with authority or peers.
Context: The child is learning to navigate their individuality and develop their voice while respecting boundaries.
Examples:
Politely saying, "I don’t agree with this rule because I think it’s unfair," instead of silently complying.
Asking for a chance to explain their side of the story after being scolded.
Deciding to try something on their own instead of relying on a parent or teacher for help.
Why It’s Important:
A sense of agency is essential for a child’s development. It helps them build self-esteem, problem-solving skills, and resilience. Encouraging this behavior fosters a healthy relationship with autonomy and accountability.
2. Being Disrespectful
A child being disrespectful demonstrates a lack of regard for others' feelings, authority, or boundaries. This behavior is often dismissive, rude, or hurtful and can disrupt healthy communication and relationships.
Key Characteristics:
Intent: The child’s goal is to challenge authority, avoid responsibility, or express frustration in a way that dismisses others.
Delivery: The behavior is aggressive, rude, or defiant, often including raised voices, eye-rolling, or interrupting.
Context: The child might feel overwhelmed, frustrated, or misunderstood but expresses these emotions in a way that disregards respect or empathy.
Examples:
Yelling, "You’re not the boss of me!" when asked to follow a rule.
Interrupting or talking back in a sarcastic or belittling tone.
Refusing to comply with requests while mocking or showing contempt for authority.
How to Differentiate
Here are a few questions to assess whether a child’s behavior reflects agency or disrespect:
What is the intent?
If the child is trying to express themselves or assert independence, they’re likely showing agency.
If the goal is to provoke, undermine, or ignore, it’s more likely disrespect.
How are they expressing themselves?
A child with agency will communicate calmly and assertively, even if they disagree.
A disrespectful child may use mocking tones, insults, or overt defiance.
What’s the context?
Agency often arises in situations where the child feels confident or wants to engage with their environment meaningfully.
Disrespect may surface in moments of frustration, defiance, or emotional overwhelm.
Encouraging Agency While Discouraging Disrespect
Parents, teachers, and caregivers can create environments that foster agency while setting clear boundaries to discourage disrespect. Here are a few strategies:
Model respectful communication: Show children how to express disagreement or assert themselves calmly and respectfully.
Validate feelings, not behaviors: Acknowledge when a child is frustrated but guide them toward expressing it constructively.
Example: “I understand you’re upset about this rule. Let’s talk about why it’s important.”
Provide choices: Giving children age-appropriate choices reinforces agency and reduces the likelihood of rebellion.
Set clear boundaries: Let children know which behaviors are unacceptable and why, while encouraging them to express themselves within those limits.
By distinguishing between these behaviors and responding appropriately, adults can nurture a child’s independence while fostering respect and healthy relationships.
Final Thoughts:
A child showing agency is learning to navigate the world as an individual. It’s not defiance—it’s growth. If we nurture this, we raise future adults who are confident, thoughtful, and capable of standing up for themselves in a respectful way.
